I knew there was a draft of this blog post that I was saving up for ages but never continued writing because I thought: Who the hell even cares and do I really want to go this personal and deep?
But thanks to beautiful blogger and friend Tatjana (check out her amazing blog!)
and her recent blog post with the title “About you – Self-reflection” I figured I should publish this post (and this way I can FINALLY use the beautiful pictures Monika from Monika Jia Riu Photography took of me back in June!)
Now to the title: Love yourself in a healthy way.
Luckily, I never had much self doubt about my physical appearance so I wasn’t an interesting target for bullies (I had super crooked teeth, I have a really flat chest and I always used to be super skinny and short).
After all: You can accept or at least change your body but how about your personality?
I always thought since I was the bubbly nice person, how could anyone not like me, right? But when I was a teenager a lot of people actually thought I was super annoying because of my cheerful loud self.
This can be quite hurtful coming from someone you actually like (I mean, I couldn’t care less about someone telling me how annoying I am if I don’t even like them haha they can get lost tbh). So I tried not too be as “hyper” and started getting sassy at people and let my inner smart ass out.
Since I was always the funny one who would chat with her classmates rather than paying attention to class I was mostly mistaken for being stupid (this continued until I was about 19 years old). People would only figure out I wasn’t as dumb as they thought when they actually started talking to me.
Probably another reason I often had to have the last word in every damn argument.
Then something super weird happened: When I had my first boyfriend I started taking the birth control and oh boy did my hormones go crazy: I was always super aggressive, moody and mostly on the edge of flipping out. And also: I turned into a complete control freak.
This went on and even got worse after I had my first break up: I started hating men for no reason.
That was also around the time I met someone who was pretty similar to me and we started empowering one another to go on an extreme I-don’t-give-a-fuck-what-others-think-of-me attitude.
Obviously, it was kind of a self-defense mechanism so we won’t get hurt by others and we didn’t want to be mistaken as dumb little girls. It got pretty out of hand, that in the end we were just being rude to people and couldn’t care less about their feelings.
My new boyfriend constantly told me how mean I was and what I’m doing wasn’t nice but I just wanted to be myself and not give a fuck about anything.
After my apprenticeship I eventually found a job at a support hotline of a big swiss company. On the phone I always had to pretend I’m in a super great mood, my voice was trained to sound as nice and patient as possible.
Every evening after I came home my “mask” from work dropped and I was literally screaming at my mom when she was asking me how my day was. Luckily I got the chance to reduce the days I was on the phone and I was finally starting to settle down with my mood. My poor boyfriend was still mostly my emotional punching bag, so bless him for not losing it and snapping at me.
Last year I was finally able to quit my job at the hotline and return to a nice “9 to 5”- job in a small office. I couldn’t ask for more and then it turned out that my co-workers are the nicest and coolest people (thank god!).
I recovered from the hotline-job and even stopped taking the birth control back in April: You guys, I’m a completely new person! I’m waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more relaxed, things that would make me explode don’t even bother me anymore. It’s actually sooo nice not being manipulated by additional hormones.
I’m still a moody bitch sometimes (I hardly know anyone who isn’t haha) but I finally got myself together: I’m still trying to be in a positive mood and make people smile or lighten up their day a bit but I still dgaf about what people think of me.
Sometimes I don’t have my voice under control, so it sounds like I’m pissed or annoyed although I’m probably not. So please, don’t just assume things e.g. I’m being bitchy or I wanted to hurt you, just talk to me normally. I really try not to hurt anyone unnecessarily with words or actions but if people assume I was being mean, that’s not my problem. Sorry, but don’t assume things I HATE THAT. I also try not to do that because assuming things isn’t the same as knowing it.
What I want to say with this post is: Do you know how you come across to others? Do you think you need to fix that picture of you?
There are so many people I know who either think they are the best and are always right (just like the person I talked about above; I changed, but she didn’t) only because they’re probably insecure inside or people who only talk bad about themselves (oh, I can’t do that because I suck, I don’t have any talents and so on) those are mostly the most precious people who only want the best for everyone but always put themselves down although they’re actually awesome.
Obviously, there are also the people who are just fishing for compliments, everybody does that maybe unintentionally but if it gets overboard it can also get pretty annoying.
And then there are the confident people (like myself) who know what they’re good and bad at, who will not put themselves down but rather compliment others if they’re better than them but aren’t afraid to stand up and say: I can do this because I’m good at it 🙂
Sure, no one’s perfect but I guess knowing where you stand as a person, evolving, making mistakes and learn from them comes pretty damn close to being perfect 😉
Love and accept yourself guys!
Hugs and kisses,